


Yer a Nightblogger, Harry

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And so do I for writing this, Crack, Gen, Harry has problems, Pairings are in the background my dudes, Post Goblet of Fire, texting fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-12 11:16:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9069199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: On one fine summer's night at 1AM, Harry Potter starts a group chat.
This should end well for everyone.
 
 
((I have no idea what they're texting with so let's pretend they have modern phones or some crud I don't even know))





	1. It begins

**Author's Note:**

> The product of me eating bread and Doritos at 1AM and then opening Microsoft Word
> 
>  
> 
> I'm so sorry

_[1:09 AM] yourlordandsaviour added ONEWITHTHEORANGES, Moon-Wolf, DOGSTAR101, and Hermione Granger to the chat_

 

[1:09 AM] yourlordandsaviour: VOLDEMORT IS BACK AND HES GONNA KILL PEOPLE  
GUYS WE GOTTA STOP HIS NOSELESS ASS

 

[1:30 AM] Yourlordandsaviour: ANSWER ME YOU F R I KS

 

[1:45 AM] Yourlordandsaviour: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

_[2:00 AM] Yourlordandsaviour added The-Dark-Lord to the chat_

The-Dark-Lord: who is this

Yourlordandsaviour: SEE GUYS HES HERE

The-Dark-Lord: child it is 2 in the morning. You dare disturb me?

Yourlordandsaviour: U disturb me constantly at two in the morning u kno

The-Dark-Lord: ?????i don't know you???

Yourlordandsaviour: I murdered u once  
I kicked your ass with my smol baby leg like 14 years ago

The-Dark-Lord: I'll kick you and everyone you love’s ass, Harry Potter

Yourlordandsaviour: oh  
So anyway we’re going to have a super cool duel again at some point right

The-Dark-Lord: oh yeah definitely  
I'm gonna win tho

Yourlordandsaviour: Fuck you man ur going down

The-Dark-Lord: uh huh

 

_[4:36 AM] yourlordandsaviour removed ONEWITHTHEORANGES, Moon-Wolf, DOGSTAR101, and Hermione Granger to the chat_

Yourlordandsaviour: wait Voldemort

The-Dark-Lord: yea  
I'm going to kill u for using my name but yeah

Yourlordandsaviour: can we prank like everyone  
By saying I betrayed the light side

The-Dark-Lord: holy shit that's hilarious  
Only if you prank Dumbledore too and not just your crazy band of misfits tho 

Yourlordandsaviour: bonus points if we add your crazy band of misfits too?

The-Dark-Lord: bonus points if we had my crazy band of misfits too.  
I'm not even offended by that statement they are all truly a crazy band of misfits

Yourlordandsaviour: tru

_Yourlordandsaviour changed their username to Dark-Lord-Potter_

Dark-Lord-Potter: edgy enough?

The-Dark-Lord: I hate the fact I have to compliment your crazy ass but yes  
It's edgy enough 4 me

Dark-Lord-Potter: sweet

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Y'all need to stop cursing there are children here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> callout post @my friend marina who kept jabbing me in the neck while I was trying to write this

[8:38 AM]

_Dark-Lord-Potter added ONEWITHTHEORANGES, Moon-Wolf, DOGSTAR101, LemonDrops, Hermione Granger, and Imgoingtotransfigureyourassoff to the chat_

_The-Dark-Lord added Imgoingtoforcefeedyourasspoison, bowdowntomepeasents, and Lord Malfoy to the chat_

Dark-Lord-Potter: hey hey hey

Imgoingtoforcefeedyourasspoison: what the fuck

Imgoingtotransfigureyourassoff: language, Severus

Dark-Lord-Potter: SNAPE you aSS THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE

Dark-Lord-Potter: anyway, I have an announcement

Dark-Lord-Potter: I, Harry James Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived,

Imgoingtoforcefeedyourasspoison: potter if u do not get to the point rn I'm putting ur ass in detention for an entire year

Dark-Lord-Potter: yeah yeah I'm getting there, you moldy slice of bread

Dark-Lord-Potter: Anyway,  
I, Harry James Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived  
Have decided to join…

Dark-Lord-Potter: Lord Voldemort

Bowdowntomepeasents: ahaha nice one, potter  
You fuking suck at humor

The-Dark-Lord: OMG UR JOINING ME??? Thank u!!

Dark-Lord-Potter: :DDD

Imgoingtoforcefeedyourasspoison: wait  
Holy shit are you serious

DOGSTAR101: harry’s not Sirius, I'm Sirius! Ehehe  
Wait what are we talking about

Bowdowntomepeasents: POTTER JUST SAID HES JOININING YOU KNOW WHOOOO

DOGSTAR101: WAIT WHAT THE FUCK

Imgoingtotransfigureyourassoff: I LOOK AWAY FOR FIVE SECONDS AND SEE THIS????? WHAT IN MERLINS HAT, HARRY???? THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY???

Hermione Granger: WHAT??? WHATT??? PROFESSOR DID YOU JUST CURSE???

ONEWITHTHEORANGES: HARRY’S DOING wHAT? WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS HAPPENING?????? TF??

Bowndowntomepeasents: IM TELLING MY FATHER ABOUT THIS SHIT

Moon-Wolf: HARRY HOW COULD YOU

LemonDrops: hello everyone, lovely morning isn't it? :)

Hermione Granger: HEADMASTER HARRY SAID HES JOINING VOLDEMORT

Dark-Lord-Potter: fuck yeah

The-Dark-Lord: damn rite

LemonDrops: D::: OH my!! How absurd!!

Lord Malfoy: MY LORD I DON’T WANT THIS POTATO SACK OF A CHILD IN OUR GANG

The-Dark-Lord: SHUT IT LUCIUS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bowdowntomepeasents is Draco btw


	3. In which everyone is a perv

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My throat is dying in 18 different ways and its three AM  
> My only friend is my ice cold gaterade

[8:50 AM]

(2 missed calls from Hermione)

[8:55 AM] Hermione Granger: HARRY

(3 missed calls from Hermione)

[9:07 AM]Hermione Granger: HARRY PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE YOU LITTLE SHIT

Imgoingtotransfigureyourassoff: Ms. Granger, you watch your language!

Bowdowntomepeasents: I don't understand whats happening anymor

[9:31 AM] Dark-Lord-Potter changed their username to Yourlordandsaviour

ONEWITHTHEORANGES: u aren't my savior you hellish duck

Yourlordandsaviour: Ron ur insults suck balls

Yourlordandsaviour: anyways  
Have y’all ever heard of this thing called a prank

  
[Imgoingtoforcefeedyourasspoison removed yourlordandsaviour from the chat]

ONEWITHTHEORANGES: Are yo  
fuCKING SERIOUS HARRY?????

Moon-Wolf: no he's not  
I am

Lord Malfoy: nic

The-Dark-Lord: can I watch

Bowdowntomepeasents: WHAT THE F U C

[Imgoingtotransfigureyourassoff removed Moon-Wolf, The-Dark-Lord and Lord Malfoy from the chat]

Imgoingtotransfigureyourassoff: what is wrong with you people like honestly

[LemonDrops added Yourlordandsaviour to the chat]

LemonDrops: Harry what is going on I'm so confused

Yourlordandsaviour: I faked joining Walmart

Yourlordandsaviour: ****VOLDEMORT

Bowdowntomepeasents: what the fuck is a Walmart

LemonDrops: wait so your not joining Tom?

Yourlordandsaviour: Professor he smells like baby wipes and garlic 24/7 I can't handle that

Yourlordandsaviour: oh and also he tried to kill me like 69 times

LemonDrops: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Imgoingtotransfigureyourassoff: FFS ALBUS

DOGSTAR101: wait  
if Vold is Tom, whos Jerry

[yourlordandsaviour changed their username to HarryMcJerry]

HarryMcJerry: what's up home slices

Imgoingtoforcefeedyourasspoion: Fuck this shit im out

[imgoingtoforcefeedyourasspoison left the chat]

imgoinngtotransfigureyourassoff: Severus get the fuck back here

[Imgoingtotransfigureyourassoff added imgoingtoforcefeedyourasspoison to the chat]

ONEWITHTHEORANGES: wait a minute  
Why do Snape and McGonagall have matching ass names

Imgoingtotransfigureyourassoff: it's part of an argument

ONEWITHTHEORANGES: explain

Imgoingtoforcefeedyourasspoison: Minerva thinks transfiguration is better than potions  
That is a fucking lie

Imgoingtotransfigureyourassoff: Severus i am going to turn your ass into a flamingo

Imgoingtoforcefeedyourasspoison: I’m gOING TO SPIKE YOUR PUMPKIN JUICE WITH A BABBLING BEVERAGE

  
LemonDrops: guys please the children are listening :(


	4. The gay thickens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not dead I swear I'm just really lazy

[3:27 AM]

  
Hermione Granger: so Malfoy is totally gay right

DOGSTAR101: not sure where that came from but yeah totally

[DOGSTAR101 added MemeTimeWithFred, NoscopesWithGeorge , TrixAreNotForKids, and Moon-Wolf to the chat]

DOGSTAR101: what do u guys think

Imgoingtoforcefeedyourasspoison: ok here's my honest opinion:

[Imgoingtoforcefeedyourasspoison changed their username to Iwanttodie]

TrixAreNotForKids: I'm 100% sure my nephew is gay TBH

Iwanttodie: bellatrix how are you talking ur in azkaban

TrixAreNotForKids: this is a crack fic

Moon-Wolf: wait what are we talking about

Hermione Granger: wether Draco Malfoy Is gay or not

Moon-Wolf: oh definitely

memetimewithFred: 95% of that gay is directed at Harry Potters ass

NoScopesWithGeorge: eyyyy

Bowdowntomepeasents: I fucking,,, am woken up by my phone at 3:30 AM

Bowdowntomepeasents: and Ofc its The Fuckers in this chat that's been dead for 3 weeks that rise from the dead with this shit

Bowdowntomepeasents: Why

DOGSTAR101: haha look hes not even denying it

[HarryMcJerry renamed this group The Fuckers™]

HarryMcJerry: my uncle just threw a cabbage at me

Hermione Granger: why

HarryMcJerry: BC I'm laughin g so hard rn

HarryMcJerry: btw Ron you get to be best man at our wedding

ONEWITHTHEORANGES: WOOOOOO

[Bowdowntomepeasents changed their name to Imcryingsendhelp]

TrixAreNotForKids: aw look  
hes excited :)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dang this is short
> 
> The italics and underlines have abandoned me


	5. Rise of The Lit Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Th weasleys are all dirty memelords why

[12:00 AM]

HarryMcJerry: it me birthing day  
Im fifteen now

Hermione Granger: that's Great, Harry! Happy Birthday

ONEWITHTHEORANGES: eyyy that's lit m8  
Got plans?

Iwanttodie: no one says. Lit. In my presence.

[Iwanttodie removed ONEWITHTHEORANGES from the chat]

Hermione Granger: wtf snape

[Hermione Granger added ONEWITHTHEORANGES to the chat]

[ONEWITHTHEORANGES changed their username to Litboi]

Iwanttodie: WEASLEY NO

Litboi: who is this Weasley u speak of I am

Litboi: the lit Boi

MemetimewithFred: Ron I am so proud of you rn

NoscopesWithGeorge: im Cryin g,,,,Ronniekins is all grown up

Litboi: guys pls

Imgoingtotransfigureyourassoff: why is this chat only alive at times everyone should be sleeping  
And why are so many of u awake

Iwanttodie: oh shit guys the meow meow is here

[Imgoingtotransfigureyourassoff changed their username to Professor-Meow-Meow]

Professor-Meow-Meow: THAT’S PROFESSOR MEOW MEOW TO YOU, SNAP

Professor-Meow-Meow: Oh btw Harry happy birthday

HarryMcJerry: Aww thank :)

HarryMcJerry: now if only,,,I wasn't trapped at m’relatives, I'd have a good time

MemetimewithFred: aw that sucks dude  
Anyway gn im going to bed

NoscopesWithGeorge: same m8

HarryMcJerry: Yu,,,,abandoned me,,,:(

Professor-Meow-Meow: who is even in this chat  
ROLE CALL

HarryMcJerry: me

Litboi: Ey

Hermione Granger: peasant!

DOGSTAR101: WHAT  
Also I'm here guys lookie

Hermione Granger: *PRESENT

Iwanttodie: Im here  
I wish I wasn't

Imcryingsendhelp: same tbh

Moon-Wolf: I'm here, Professor

[Professor-Meow-Meow removed TrixAreForKids and LemonDrops from the chat]

Professor-Meow-Meow: ok cool I needed to clear out the trash

Iwanttodie: then why am I still here

Litboi: bc We enjoy ur suffering

Iwanttodie: wow ok thats rude

HarryMcJerry: OH MY GO D

Hermione Granger: what happened???

HarryMcJerry: IM FREE

MemeTimeWithFred: damn rite

NoScopesWithGeorge: yeah boi

Professor-Meow-Meow: im scared rn what just happened

MemeTimeWithFred: ;))

Imcryingsendhelp: don't winky face me u son of a bagel

 


	6. In which the slytherins are triggered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter rite her e

[12:30AM]

Imcryingsendhelp: ok seriously what's happening

Imcryingsendhelp: potter

Imcryingsendhelp: potter what the hell are u doin

Imcryingsendhelp: speak to us,,, potter

DOGSTAR101: HARRY DON’T IGNORE YOUR BOYFRIEND

Imcryingsendhelp: SHUT IT DOGFACE UR SUPPOSED TO BE IN AZKABEAN

Moon-Wolf: ‘Azkabean’

Imcryingsendhelp: FUK U

Litboi: HOLY SHIT

Imcryingsendhelp: WHAT

Litboi: GUYS FRED AND GOERGE ARENT IN THEIR BEDS

Hermione Granger: WHA T

Iwanttodie: well gosh darn it, I guess they died

Litboi: I DON’T THINK THEIR IN THE HOUSE

Professor-Meow-Meow: did u hear them leave??

Litboi: NO  
Moon-Wolf: oh no

Hermione Granger: GINNY WAS DOWNSTAIRS  
MAYBE SHE HEARD SOMETHING

Litboi: SOMEONE ADD HER TO THE FUCKERS™ IM TOO LAZY TO GO DOWN AND ASK

[Hermione Granger added snakesaregross to the chat]

snakesaregross: ??? What is this???

Iwanttodie: snakes are not gross Weasley what the fuc

Imcryingsendhelp: IM ACTUALLY TRIGGERED RN THAT ISNT OK

Snakesaregross: have you guys ever smelled basilisk blood before  
It suck s

Hermione Granger: I can confirm that  
Harry and Ron reeked of it for like a week after the chamber incident

Hermione Granger: anyways

Hermione Granger: Ginny have u seen the twins

Snakesaregross: um no  
Have u seen Sirius

Moon-Wolf: ?? He's sleeping in the room next to me

Iwanttodie: are u sure about tha

Moon-Wolf: yes??? Maybe??

Moon-Wolf: brb checking

[12:39 AM]

Hermione Granger: Remus it's been 4 minutes r u ok

Moon-Wolf: SIRIUS AND FUCKBEAK ARE GONE

Moon-Wolf: *BUCKBEAK

Iwanttodie: lmao

Moon-Wolf: DOTN LAUGH DUDE SIRIUS IS GONE

Litboi: oh no

Snakesaregross: yowzers

DOGSTAR101: ;))

Moon-Wolf: OMG PADFOOT WHERE WERE U

Professor-Meow-Meow: SIRIUS WHAT DID U DO

DOGSTAR101: nothin lol

Imcryingsendhelp: WHAT IS HAPPENING IM SO CONFUSED

HarryMcJerry: wow guys the sky is so majestic tonite

[HarryMcJerry sent a photo]

Iwanttodie: potter holy sh

[Professor Meow-Meow added LemonDrops]

Professor Meow-Meow: ALBUS HARRY AND THE WEASLEY TWINS JUST SENT US A SELFIE OF THEM FLYING OVER LONDON

Professor Meow-Meow: ON A. H I P P O G R I F

Lemon-Drops: oh

Lemon-Drops: oh no

Lemon-Drops: Harry m’boY ur fuckin grOUNDED

HarryMcJerry: UR NOT MY GRANDPA U CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO

Lemon-Drops: i am too ur grandfather, Harry

Lemon-Drops: im everyones grandfather  
Even severus’

Iwanttodie: don't drag me into this u moldy bacon strip

Professor-Meow-Meow: Severus you greasy fuk respect ur elders

Iwanttodie: no

 

 


	7. knock knockers,,,,,silk boxers,,,,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eeeehh this isnt that good oops

  
[1:11 AM]

HarryMcJerry: KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKERS

Iwanttodie: POTTER STOP RINGING THE DOORBELL MY EARS ARE BLEEDING

MemeTimeWithFred: THEN OPEN THE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR

DOGSTAR101: yeah sevy let us in

Iwanttodie: no I'm banishing aLL FOUR OF U TO THE DOGHOUSE

NoScopesWithGeorge: :((

[1:20 AM]

Hermione Granger: …its been quiet for like 8 minutes what happened

Hermione Granger: OH SHIT I TAKE IT BACK IT IS NOT QUIET

Professor-Meow-Meow: FUCK I WAS A SECOND AWAY FROM FALLING ASLEEP AGAIN WHOS POUNDING ON THE DOOR

HarryMcJerry: I SAID KNOCK KNOCK, M O T H E R F U K E R S

Professor-Meow-Meow: : STOPPP IT POTTER UR GONNA BREAK THE DOOR DOWN

HarryMcJerry: THEN LET US IIIN

Moon-Wolf: FFS HARRY IM COMIG DOWN THER

DOGSTAR101: WOOOO REMUS

MemeTimeWithFred: YEAHHH BOII REMUS IS GREAT HE JUST LET US IN

Iwanttodie: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT

Moon-Wolf: ;))

HarryMcJerry: wow this is a dusty place

DOGSTAR101: yeah it's my mom s old house  
That's why it sucks

HarryMcJerry: lmao

LemonDrops: HARYR WHY YOU HERE M’BOY

HarryMcJerry: MY UNCLE THREW A CABBAGE AT ME IT HURT MY FEELINGS  
SO I RAN AWAY

HarryMcJerry: LIKE EVERYONE IS OVER HERE HAVIN A GOOD TIME WHILE I BEING HARASSED WITH VEGETABLES

Imcryingsendhelp: hey im not over there having a good tim  
Im stuck here with FATHER

Imcryingsendhelp: who is being MEAN

Snakesaregross: NOONE CAAAARES MOUTHTOY

HarryMcJerry: MOUTHTOY

[Imcryingsendhelp changed their username to mouthtoy]]

Iwanttodie: what the FCK DRACO

Iwanttodie: IM GOING TO BURN ALL YOUR FUKIN SILK BOXERS FOR THIS

Mouthtoy: WAIT NO THEY’RE THE ONLY THINGS THAT UNDERSTAND ME

HarryMcJerry: Malf has silk boxers?????? Wow thanks for the mental image snape

Iwanttodie: I hate yu all

Professor-Meow-Meow: GUYS STOP SPAMMING MY TEXT IM TRYN TO SLEEP

HarryMcJerry: we ain't spammin

MemeTimeWithFred: yeah

DOGSTAR101: we just hammin’

Iwanttodie: hammering malfoys corpse to the floor*** am I right

[Mouthtoy changed their username to imfearing]

Imfearing: guys no

HarryMcJerry: I disapprove of this new username

HarryMcJerry: 2/10 not enough kink

LemonDrops: Harry pls

Iwanttodie: can this fucking chat get any worse

[Litboi changed the name of the chat to 2/10 not enough kink]

Litboi: yes

**Author's Note:**

> End m


End file.
